Penance
by Rebecca1
Summary: Reid's talked into going out for a night out with the team. He warned them and now there's two in particular who have to navigate their way through the fallout.
1. Chapter 1

Spencer slowly opened his eyes, blinking several times so that his eyes could adjust to the harsh light of the day shining through his window. He silently cursed Morgan and his idea to go out the previous night – his head was punishing him for it. The previous night's memories slowly leaked through the fog of his hangover like a train wreck, Reid growing increasingly pale and feeling sicker as he realised what he'd done. Jolting up in bed, eyes wide he ran both hands through his hair in hopeless frustration. An absolute idiot he was. How was he going to face the team come Monday? Seeing the blinking light on his phone indicating a text message he made the informed decision to make coffee before looking at the device.

 _ **How are you feeling? You drank a fair bit last night.**_

 _ **I'm guessing you're still asleep.**_

 _ **You must be a deep sleeper when you've had a lot to drink.**_

 _ **Reid?**_

 _ **Seriously man, this is my fifth text – either you're ignoring me or you're really tired…**_

 _ **Are you dead? If you don't answer in the next half hour I'm breaking down your door – and I won't be paying for it if you are alive. It'll be your own damn fault for NOT ANSWERING YOUR PHONE!**_

The genius just sighed as he read the several texts from Morgan whilst drinking his coffee. As he got to the last one he quickly shot a text off to his best friend confirming that he was in fact alive before the apartment door was unjustly terrorised for the younger man's crimes. Why did he have to fall for the trap of guilt trips and social outings with friends under the pretence that he could be normal and have a drink with them without ruining his career and potential relationships with the people he thought of as family? Another sigh and another sip of his coffee went by before Spencer decided that it was a moot point anyway. He'd spent his whole life fumbling by making a fool out of himself and being unable to read social cues or saying the wrong thing to the wrong people at the wrong time so it was only appropriate that the team get a dose of it too.

The shocked look on his team's faces ran through his mind and the younger man visibly cringed. He had tried, earlier in the night to tell them that he didn't drink – that he didn't handle alcohol well but they thought he meant he was a lightweight. Spencer sighed. He really wished he was. He also wished he didn't remember the events of the night before. He'd never believed in the phrase 'ignorance is bliss', at least he didn't up until he'd woken up not quite sober but completely aware that there'd be certain repercussions to his actions.

. - . - . - . - . - . - .

" _Hey slow down, Kid." Morgan suggested lightly. The team had been watching their youngest guzzle beers for the few hours he'd been at the bar and all had become slightly concerned by what they'd seen._

" _I'm fine, Morgan. Back off." Reid's words slurred only slightly, a direct contradiction to his statement. In a show of rebellion, the genius ordered another drink from the bartender in front of the team, his actions sure and practiced._

" _Spence…" JJ started._

" _I'm not a child, Jennifer. I don't need to be coddled. I can handle my alcohol a lot better than you think I can. Trust me." Spencer told her, a bite in his voice as he cut her off before she could properly begin speaking._

" _Reid, you're the one who told us you didn't handle alcohol well." Rossi pointed out._

 _The genius smiled. "Yes, and you bought me a drink anyway." As if to prove his point, the man took a long gulp before continuing._

 _Hotch took a step forward, a frown on his face. "Reid, stop. We're your team and your family and we're trying to look out for you."_

 _Spencer stared at his boss for a moment before letting out a breath. "Well then, I guess I'll shut up. And apologise."_

 _\- . - . - . - . - . - . - ._

Reid picked up his phone, considered texting his team. Apologising. He then put his phone back down with a grumble – there wasn't anything he could say over text. He'd hurt and embarrassed people that he cared deeply about. All he wanted to do was sit and drown in his memories of the previous night - penance for his crimes.

 _ **Thanks for reading**_

 _ **Constructive criticism welcome**_


	2. Chapter 2

" _I didn't think I'd see the day Boss Man would flirt with someone! I think I'm gonna mark this in my calendar!" Garcia shrieked at the team and consequently in Reid's ear as they watched Hotch chat to a red head at the bar of a place the genius hadn't been told the name of._

" _I didn't think he had it in him. Always thought his ties were too tight." Morgan laughed good-naturedly making the team chuckle in agreement. All except Spencer who couldn't take his eyes off the pair. The scene was giving him a knot in his stomach that he couldn't shake and didn't like it. He took a swig of his umpteenth drink of the night in the hopes that it would numb the bitter feeling he had._

" _Spence, you okay? You're looking a little pale." Jennifer's voice filtered through the alcohol induced fog._

" _Fine, JJ. Just dandy." Reid knew his response was clipped and somewhat harsh and the taken-aback looks pasted across the faces of his teammates just confirmed what he already knew. He chanced a glance down, sighing when he realised his glass was almost empty._

" _Rossi, maybe you should go over there and take over drink-buying duties. It doesn't look like Hotch is in a hurry." Prentiss commented waving her empty beer bottle in the general direction of their boss and effectively reminding the genius of his own predicament._

" _If one of us goes over there he might become his stuffy self and stop talking to her and I'd rather sober up than have Aaron lose out on a night of having fun for once." Rossi admitted to his colleagues._

" _As weird as it is, I almost feel like we're setting him up and then watching how it turns out… Like parents." Jennifer mused eliciting a snort from Morgan._

" _Speak for yourself; I've got my eye on a hot little Mrs over in the corner who's been eyeing me for a while so if you don't mind." With a wink a wave he left them and sauntered over to a small table of two attractive women._

 _\- . - . - . - . - . - . - ._

Reid started at the unexpected buzzer going off. He found that he only had the energy to muster up mild concern over the fact that he'd managed to doze off whilst he had food in the oven. The memory he had – Hotch and the attractive red head – it made him feel ill. It made his stomach twist but the look on JJ's face when he was standoffish to her hurt him too. She was considerate of him and he had been awful to her.

Pulling the food out of the oven and dishing onto a plate, Spencer sat at the breakfast bar and slowly began to eat. In-between bites he analysed his behaviour – what he could have done differently, when he should have stopped drinking and how certain situations could have been avoided. Next to him his phone buzzed with an incoming text.

 _ **We need to talk.**_

Hotch. The genius pushed his plate away, face pale. Rationally, he knew he wouldn't have been able to escape a conversation with the man but he had hoped to delay it or at least prepare. He knew his intellect wasn't getting him out of it and despite his lack of belief in any god, he prayed silently – for mercy, for time, for anything.

 _ **I'm outside. Open the door.**_

Reid checked his phone and cursed.


	3. Chapter 3

Reid didn't open the door quickly enough for his boss' liking as the younger man's phone began ringing in his hand, Hotch's name and face flashing on its screen. He let the call go to voicemail and instead moved to buzz him up – this, he thought, would at least give him a minute or two to prepare himself for the conversation ahead. The inevitable knock on the door came much too fast for the genius but he answered anyway.

"Reid." With a curt nod, Aaron invited himself in, skirting around his subordinate and briefly taking in his surroundings before moving to the coffee machine and pulling two clean mugs off the draining board. Two fresh cups of coffee had been made whilst Spencer still stood, dumfounded and holding the door open. "Shut the door, Reid."

"Right. Yeah…" Kick-started back into motion he shut the door and moved cautiously over to where Aaron still stood holding one mug out for him. Taking it he moved to the couch. He knew his boss followed. Spencer was too hungover to profile but he knew it was a serious discussion because Hotch had taken the armchair rather than the sofa with him. "Please just say what you came to say."

"What you said last night… Do you remember?" His voice was soft, cautious and concerned. It raised alarm bells for Reid. A lot of alarm bells.

"Are you firing me?" Spencer could feel the rising panic but he tried not to let it show. He didn't want to make it harder for his boss who was looking at and assessing him.

Hotch sighed into his drink. "I'm not firing you, Spencer. Your actions last night were reprehensible but it's personal not professional. I'm sorry you feel the way that you do and I'm sorry that I don't feel the same."

Reid was in the process of sipping his coffee when he choked on his drink. "I'm sorry? I don't… What? Hotch, you're not suggesting that I… that I… have feelings for you, are you?"

At this, Aaron choked on his own drink. "No, certainly not!" At the relieved look of his younger colleague he almost smiled. "How much do you remember of last night?"

"You were talking to a red head and Morgan went off to flirt with somebody else. The team wanted more drinks but didn't want to interrupt you and my drink was almost empty." It was reeled off in a very matter-of-fact way and when the young man was finished he looked at his boss expectantly, as though waiting for his next order.

Momentarily, the dark haired man wondered if he should give his colleague the details or wait until he remembers naturally. The decision was taken out of his hands when said colleague prompted him for more information. "Well Reid, I brought the redhead – Kelsey, back to the table to introduce her to everybody. You didn't take it well."

Reid dropped his head into his hands and groaned as flashbacks assaulted him.

\- . - . - . - . - . - . - .

 _The team watched as their boss walked back over to the table, the red haired beauty under his arm._

" _Guys, I'd like you to meet Kelsey. She's a high school math teacher." Aaron smiled at her as he made the introductions. Her interest was just as palpable._

" _How exciting, it's a pleasure to meet you. You must be special if you've managed to catch the boss man's eye." Garcia commented through a cheeky grin._

" _Let's make room, sit, sit." Rossi suggested to the couple who dutifully complied with the request._

" _So, are you recently out of a relationship, Kelsey? Been single for a while? Trying to be set up? What's your story?" Reid enquired, a little bit of venom in his voice._

" _Reid!" Hotch snapped but his gaze never wavered from the red-head._

" _No, it's okay." She told him, squeezing his hand lightly. "I've been in a relationship with Aaron for six months and prior to that I'd been single for a year and a half. My last relationship was toxic. He was controlling and it took me a year to get out."_

" _Tragic." Insincerity dripped from the genius' tone. "So are you with Aaron because you genuinely want to be with him or because you think he's safe?"_

" _Reid!" Prentiss' voice was sharp. "Stop. You have no right to ask her that."_

" _I'm warning you now Reid to watch what you're saying or we're going to have a problem." Hotch warned._

" _What?" He asked innocently. "I'm just getting to know your girlfriend." He shrugged his shoulders as though he didn't have a care in the world. "Does she know about you?"_

" _What do you mean?" Kelsey asked, cautious. "Maybe you should just stop, maybe sober up a little and we'll talk in the morning?" The whole team winced as Reid glared._

" _I'm already sobering up. You'll be surprised at how quickly that can happen." Spencer's tone was ice cold. "I was referring to Hotch's wife. Do you know about her? She was murdered and now he's only got his son. Tragic isn't it."_

" _Reid, shut your mouth!" Aaron's voice was dangerously low, a growl. A warning that his subordinate ignored._

" _Would you take advantage of that? Took him several years to move on – the question is how he moved on. How does somebody move on from such a tragedy? Somebody kills his wife and child and he moves on… his colour's gone, his stability, my reason for getting up in the morning… Fuck!" Reid's palm hit the table in irritation._

" _Spencer…" Garcia started, resting her hand on his shoulder._

" _Don't bother Garcia; you're no use to me. I don't need you – I don't need any of you, not really. I just needed to understand how you could betray your wife and your son like that. It's wrong." He gave one last disgusted look to Kelsey and Hotch, then to the remainder of the team before leaving._


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He was an idiot.

"Reid?" Hotch's voice filtered through his fractured thoughts. "Spencer?"

The younger man looked up at his boss with tortured, apologetic eyes. There wasn't anything that he could say to make the situation better. Maybe it would have been better if it were another night. He knew that wasn't true though.

"I have to ask, Spencer..." Aaron began softly, cautiously. "You asked how I moved on? Losing a wife and a child. I lost a wife but I still have my son, were you talking about yourself?"

Reid could see the pain in the older man's eyes as he spoke about the loss of Hayley and knew then that he wasn't fully over her. Maybe he never would be and he'd always love her. That gave him a small amount of comfort though he wasn't sure why.

"Hotch, I like you and because I like you I'm going to ask you not to go down this road." His voice was firm and a clear warning.

"You need to talk about it." The BAU Unit Chief moved to sit next to his subordinate in a show of silent support. "Trust me it doesn't help to internalize. I talk to Rossi about Hayley and I tell Jack about her… I don't ever want him to forget what a fantastic mother she was to him."

Spencer picked up his mug and took a long mouthful as if prolonging the inevitable. He knew he'd tell somebody their story eventually he just didn't think it'd be like this.

"I had a daughter, Felicity Reid. She was four. And my wife Liliana." He coughed once to clear his throat, their smiling faces assaulting his mind. "She would have been six now. And she was so smart even at four but she looked just like Lil - so beautiful."

"I'm sorry, Spencer." Aaron whispered, feeling the pain his friend felt as he watched him break down in front of him. Knowing that there was nothing he could do, he just sat and listened.

"They were the light of my life. The reason I got up in the morning and did my job – I wanted to make the country a safer place for them. Then Rossi invited everybody to a barbeque and told everybody to bring their families. Lil wanted to go and then Fliss decided she wanted to meet my other family too so I gave in. We were meeting there because she had work and Fliss had had a sleepover the night before so she was going to pick her up on the way to Rossi's." Another mouthful of now cold coffee slid down the genius' throat. The day was coming back to him in flashes – kissing his wife goodbye, her smile as she told him she loved him and him closing the door on their life together for the last time.

"I kept waiting for her to turn up but she didn't. I thought maybe she just got nervous or Fliss was too tired but I had a feeling I couldn't get rid of so I left. I tried calling her but it kept going to voicemail. I drove the route it would take for her to get to Rossi's and I found them." Reid turned to look at his boss, tears freely running down his face and eyes tortured as he remembered the scene. "She wasn't even in the car, Hotch. The impact was so bad that she was thrown from the car. Neither made it to the hospital… It was a truck driver. He was drunk and speeding and Liliana only had a small car. I kept telling her she should get a bigger one – she wanted more children. She was pregnant with our second and I didn't even know until I had to identify them."

"Spencer, I…" Aaron felt tears of his own on his cheeks for his friend. He knew what it was like to lose a wife but if he lost Jack, it would be unbearable for him. Jack was the only thing that kept him going.

"How have you let go of what happened to Hayley, Hotch? How have you moved on?" Reid implored desperately, seeking answers he knew weren't there.

"I have and always will love Hayley; I just know that she'd want me to be happy. It isn't as painful to think about her like it used to be. I can think about her and I can smile and it feels okay to go out on a date with somebody else. It doesn't feel like I'm betraying her, I can love her and love somebody else. But Spencer I didn't lose a child, I still have Jack and you have to mourn for three whereas I only had to mourn for one." He knew his words weren't what his colleague was looking for despite the truth in them but he didn't know if there was a way to help him.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on." It was a truth delivered on a whisper just loud enough to hear.

"That's okay too." Aaron whispered back. "But Reid…" He waited until the younger man raised teary eyes up at him. "Remember you still have family you can turn to."


	5. Chapter 5

" _Lil? Liliana!" Reid slammed on the brakes of his car, swinging his car door open before hurling himself out into the road – into the flurry of chaos that had caused disruption on the busy road. His wife's vehicle was upside down, the passenger side door wrapped around a lamppost. Shattered glass littered the ground. Moving slowly forward, towards the barriers put up and towards the EMT's a feeling of dread and fear crept up his spine as he saw a body – his wife's unmoving body in the middle of the road._

" _Sir, you need to step back." A stern voice and hand on his chest pulled his eyes away from the disturbing scene momentarily. A police officer, a man who seemed more criminal than cop, stared hard at him as if willing him to try the man's patience._

" _That's my wife… Wh-what's she doing on the floor? Why isn't she in the car?" Spencer pushed against the officer's hand which conveniently had yet to leave his chest, but he was pushed back once more._

 _A sorrowful, pitying look fell across the older man's face, regret stealing across his features. "Sir, I'm sorry, please-"_

" _Why isn't she moving!? Where's Fliss? My daughter, where is she!?" The genius could feel his rising panic, his heart beating faster, his voice rising as realisation was sinking in. Liliana still wasn't moving and he was watching the EMT's bring out the body bag. His breaths were coming faster, shorter, his chest constricting…_

" _I'm sorry-"_

" _Stop saying you're sorry and tell me where the hell my daughter is! Let me past! They need me!" Spencer yelled. He prayed for the first time to a God that he didn't believe in that his daughter was alive and that she wasn't in that car with his wife. He couldn't lose his whole world not when he should have been with them._

 _\- . - . - . - . - . - . - ._

Reid woke alone in the darkness of his apartment drenched in sweat after his nightmare. It was one he'd been expecting after his conversation with his boss. After his family had died he'd come to welcome the dark rather than fear it, he supposed because his worst fear had already come true the dark had seemed so inconsequential. He didn't want any light if he didn't have his wife and daughter to share it with. He didn't want to be happy if he couldn't share it with them.

Logically, Spencer knew that his attitude was an unhealthy one but he also knew that feelings were irrational and his wife used to tell him that not everything can be explained or quantified. Some things just are. Liliana gave him understanding where he couldn't find it and Felicity gave him hope and redemption when he'd thought there was nothing left of him to salvage. The only reason he hadn't given in to Dilaudid after their death was because he'd made a promise to them both that he'd never use again and he refused to disgrace their memory by giving in no matter how difficult he found it.

No, instead he'd lock them away in his memory until the next date that's marked down in his calendar reminds him to think of them once more and maybe one day like Hotch told him, one day he'll be able to think of them without having nightmares, without feeling the pain of failure and loss. Maybe one day he'll just be able to be happy to have been blessed for no matter how short a time with a family because maybe those years were all he was supposed to have. If so he'd treasure the memories, and keep them guarded – close to his heart like they were as they were the best years of his life.

Wiping a hand across his tear-stained face, the genius stood from his bed and moved to his bathroom. He didn't give himself time to adjust to the light, instead heading straight to the sink, washing his face with the shockingly cold water. Glancing into the mirror, the genius was taken aback by his appearance – haunted eyes that had seen too much for his age, bruised eyes heavy with bags showing that he hadn't been sleeping well, a pale complexion and gaunt cheeks. Letting out a slow breath the genius shook his breath.

"Come on Doc, you need to get a-hold of yourself. Wake up and stop living in the past. You look ill, babe. You've lost weight and you didn't have a lot to lose in the first place."

Reid's shoulders tensed, his breath getting caught in his throat. Slowly, so slowly he looked up and he wondered if that was how Schizophrenia started.


	6. Chapter 6

He'd tried everything - closing his eyes, turning away from the mirror, leaving the room, sleeping (or attempting it) but it didn't work. She. Was. In his apartment. His very dead wife. He was crazy. Certifiable. Dr. Reid had driven himself insane – it was the only explanation.

"Are you going to stop all this nonsense now and just accept that I'm not going away anytime soon? I really, honestly thought you'd be happy to see me." Her voice was as tangible to the genius as the Mozart he'd put on in an attempt to calm himself.

After giving up on any vestiges of sleep, the doctor moved to the modest kitchen to make coffee. "Do you plan to speak anytime soon or is this just going to be a one-sided conversation? I've always hated the silent treatment – I don't know how you always managed to do that so well. You remember that time I pranked you by replacing your coffee with decaf and you didn't talk to me for two days?" Lil laughed at the memory, the sound piercing Reid's heart and reminding him of everything he hadn't heard in so long and everything he'd been trying so hard not to think of. Memories hurt. She hurt.

Without thought he slammed his cup on the counter and turned to the woman sat on the island top behind him. "What the hell do you want from me!?" She looked just like his wife, sounded and smiled just like his wife and it wasn't fair when the one thing he wanted was in front of him but wasn't real. He needed something real – needed her to be real.

"I'm here to help you, Spencer." Sincerity dripped from her tone but he knew if he was in a Schizophrenic break he couldn't trust himself… "You're not crazy by the way."

"I don't want or need help. Not from you or anybody else." Reid's voice was resolute, fierce. Effectively dismissing the woman by turning his back to her he continued with his coffee making endeavour. This task was just about finished before he felt the woman next to him.

"I don't care what you want." Liliana informed him in a tone that almost made him smile. It was like they were them; Spencer and Liliana the married couple rather than Spencer and Liliana the widow and his deceased wife. Would it be wrong for him to pretend for a little while that she were alive? He knew that it would definitely be unhealthy, unwise and that it would definitely hurt a lot more when he figured out how to get her out of his head but he had missed her.

"Doc? Spencer? Spencer!"

"What?" He asked, startled out of his thoughts by his name being repeated several times over. "Why do you think you need to help me, Lil?"

The brunette woman smiled a smile that had always been reserved for him and his heart skipped a beat for the first time in years. "Doc, there are some things that need to happen. You need to hear some things, you need to say some things and get them off your chest and finally, hopefully you'll be able to move on. You're currently heading down a dark, dark road and I don't want that to happen. You need to live. I want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest. God knows you deserve it."

The genius gave a bitter, humourless laugh. "God?" The name was spat at her. "I told you Lil, there's no such thing. If there was he would've been there to save you, to save Fliss because what kind of God would let such good, honest people die when there are people like the men I hunt everyday out there, huh? What kind of God would keep bad people here and take the good ones? Why would he do that!?"

She looked at him as though she didn't recognise the man standing in front of her – it was a look he'd only seen on her face once before and it was a look he'd never wanted to see again. But it didn't matter now because he wasn't the man she married, she went and she died on him. She left him just like everybody else he loved.

"You know it doesn't work like that. I'm not going to stand here and try to convince you that there was a reason for this because there wasn't. It just happened – it was an accident. There isn't some grand plan or a reason me and Fliss needed to leave the world at that time. Or at least not that I know of but Spencer that doesn't mean you get to die with us." Her tone was insistent, begging him to understand in the way the BAU team sometimes did with UnSub's even when they knew they didn't have a chance of getting through to them.

Before Spencer really knew what he was doing, his arm had pitched forward and lobbed his coffee cup into the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. He looked at the mess on the floor and couldn't help comparing it to his heart – the million pieces of cup shattered on the floor were a physical representation of Spencer Reid's broken heart. That cup could never be fixed, could never function again in the way that it did before it had been destroyed. Reid could identify with that – it almost made him remorseful… until he recalled what had led him to his uncharacteristically violent outburst.

Stalking towards his dead wife, he spoke in a low tone. "You're dead. Don't tell me what I can and cannot do. You have no idea how hard it's been living without you and without Fliss because you haven't had to do it so don't ever tell me to just live my fucking life like nothing happened!"

He knew if he wasn't careful his neighbour would be calling his boss – a safety precaution they'd set in place a long time ago. Between the smashing of the mug and the fact that he was shouting with nobody replying it seemed highly likely somebody would be knocking on his door soon if he didn't calm down. His rational brain knew it but the emotional side of him just didn't care. His wife was right – there had been a lot that he'd been holding in and wanting to say to her… Not all of it good. If she wanted to hear it, then so be it.


End file.
